?????

should i tell her? would it make it easier to get over her if my thoughts were backed up by an actuall no?

ok so i now regret writing my previous post because apparently by writing it i want to tell everyone who my "rachel" is. but in reality all i wanted to do was to rant about what i have been feeling. so to all of you who have been bugging me about this mystery girl, please stop. its not that i dont trust you guys because i do. you guys have become some of my closest friends this year. but trust me when i say i just cant tell you guys. u guys say u will help me and im sure that is what your intentions will be but most likely it will just make things really bad, because one thing leads to another and something goes wrong. in time i will tell u guys, i promise. just give me time to get over her because right now i dont think i can handle what might happen if this person found out. so lets just forget about this "rachel" because unlike in the show its never going to happen.

oh and fyi vl it isnt who u think it is, so dont go like blabbing around that u think its her because i can tell you right now it is 100% not her.

so for my birthday an AWESOME person gave me season 2 of FRIENDS, which i think is my favorite season. and of course has my favorite ep. (the prom video one) lol. but ya watching FRIENDS is a way for me to relax and laugh at one of chandler's one liners or one of joey's "joey moments" or phoebe's craziness and it helps me forget about some of the things that have been bothering me lately. but also watching season 2, ive noticed some parallels with my own life in a way. especially with ross because i feel if i was going to be one character on FRIENDS it would be him. im not the "good looking" one like joey and not the funny one like chandler, so that makes me the quiet nervous around rachel, ross. which btw i know how he felt concerning rachel, because right now im like ross in the sense that im too scared or insecure to tell my "rachel" how i feel. but unlike the show i dont see a happy ending. and ive come to terms with that, but it still hurts sometimes. shout out to my bffls :) for making me feel a little better this weekend. thanks guys. but ya i think everyone who is feeling down should pop in a season of FRIENDS and just laugh your troubles away.

so i've been feeling really confused lately. and on top of that ive been feeling really irritable lately. i think its been a combination of having a lot of games in a short span of time and all this confusing that i have been experiencing. i find myself questioning things like who are my real friends, how do people view me, and other stuff that i wont get into bc i might let something slip and that wouldnt be too good. but anyways...who are my true friends and who are just people who view me as someone to talk to when no one else is around? who will i be friends with still in college? will i lose touch with everyone i hold dear to my heart? (corny i know) like i imagine visiting friends during breaks or over a long weekend and catching up. but is that just a fantasy and not whats really going to happen? i hope its not a fantasy.

and then there is this whole issue of how people view you....im sure everyone out there wonders what other people think of them at least once in their lives. and if you say you dont, you're a liar. well i tend to think about this quite often, probably too much at times. but recently someone told me what they thought of me and it was interesting. they didnt say anything bad, it was actually nice. but it was interesting to know what someone else thought. do i come off the same way to others? or completely different?

update.

wow...i havent done this in a while. well to whoever reads this, here it goes. the first semester is finally done, but a part of me wishes it wasnt. still wish i could have another shot at calculus and not get a D. but thats life right. if you slack off and try and coast by more times then not you're going to get bit in the ass. i have heard back from three of the five schools that i applied to, nothing exciting just cal states and one out of state school. right now it looks like im going to end up going to cal poly slo if i dont get into uw and if my D doesnt effect any of my admissions which i really hope it doesnt. but i have a feeling it might and i will end up at ivc or someplace like that. but i guess if that happens i wasnt meant to go anywhere special.

so with the start of second semester also comes the start of my baseball season. right now having practice 5 times a week for 3 hours plus, along with work outs 3 times a week, has really taken its toll. i find myself coming home and relaxing for an hour or two and then passing out and not doing any hw or studying. good thing im a second semester senior, right?! :P

also lately i have come to realize that i've sort of become a loner in a way. i find myself going home to eat lunch instead of going off campus, signing onto aim but not talking to anyone, and i also find myself not texting as much as i used to. is it because i have shut myself off to people i used to text and talk to or is it that people just dont wanna talk and text me like they used to? its interesting. i think its a little both. also i pictured second semester as a time of going out all the time with friends, but i find myself more often then not sitting at home bored. do i have a group of friends that want to hang out with me? or do i just have acquaintances that i talk to at school and then once the weekend rolls around im not needed? i know i have a small group of friends that will call to hang, but then i have some friends that i think are friends but really they might just think of me as an acquaintance. hmm...its hard to tell.

last couple of thoughts. can i be trusted with information? i think i can, but maybe thats just what i say to myself and others to get them to tell me things and then go and tell other people that im not suppose to. i hope i dont do that but maybe i do O_o ?? hmmm....? anyways last thought.....with college just around the corner most people i talk to keep saying "oh im going to meet someone in college" and im sure they will. but idk thats got me a little worried. i mean i figure if im going to get married the best chance for me to find someone is in college because once i graduate its going to get harder and harder. but recently certain situations have made me wonder if im capable of "woo-ing" a girl. (that sounded really lame) but i mean im too shy to go up and talk to an attractive girl, so if they dont talk to me (and why would they) i will probably never talk to them, which is sad i know. but i just dont have the...confidence you could say in myself to strike up a convo and be "charming" and dont even get me start on how i would even begin to understand certain signs a girl is giving off (if she is giving off any to begin with). its just a mystery. i mean how do certain guys just have the ability to strike up a convo and be charming? ehh....this is something i have been trying to figure out of a while now. i mean ya good looking guys have it easy. girls just want to go up and talk to them. but if i cant come up with a clever way or an excuse to strike up a conversation girls will just not even bother. its just the way of life i guess. oh wells.

well thats what ive been thinking lately. it made for a pretty long post. lol.

So the other day i realized something about myself that sort of got me angry. i realized that i am too nice sometimes and that a lot of people seem to take advantage of me and only use me for their own benifit because they know im not one to refuse giving out a favor. i mean i know im too nice sometimes but thats just the kind of person i am, im just a genuinely nice guy. i dont see anything wrong with being nice to people, but sometimes being nice means that people can just walk all over me and use me. i can think of countless of times when i would go late at night and pick up people who dont have rides and take them home or drive them places that they need to go. and i mean sometiems they dont even say thank you and just expect me to do those favors for them everytime. i mean will i always be a push over? and will i always get taken advantage of? what will it take for me to stop being a push over? will it take someone really hurting me? or can i find a way to stop being so nice all the time? i mean i will always be a nice guy but i dont want to be a push over my whole life. i hope i can learn to say no when people ask me to do them a favor all the time.

So, i was out studying tonight and something happened that really angered me. more so i was angry at the situation than the people doing it, but im still annoyed that it seems like it always happens....well anyways we were studying and sometimes we would get distracted and start talking but some memebers of the group were talking about their own like inside jokes and things and made me and "Jp" seem like we werent even there and out of the loop. i mean ya inside jokes are great and i have nothing against them (i have some...i think....or used to....whatever) but like it was really annoying not knowing what was going on and not being apart of the jokes and sometimes it seemed as though they were laughing at "joey" comments that i would say. and it was like they were speaking their own language and didnt seem to want to make an effort to want to translate for me which is fine but i mean be courteous and talk about things that everyone can get sometimes. and this seems to be happening a lot lately....me being in situations where i have no idea whats going on and try to be apart of something that im not and say "joey" comments that give others reason to mock me. which makes me feel like an outcast..........now that i think about it, i am like the outcast in many cases. its like im a spectator looking in on the convos and jokes of others while they partake in them and me throwing in my comments trying to get noticed in the "stands". i mean arent friends suppose to have inside jokes with each other? and since i seem to not have any with anyone, does that mean im not really friends with people i thought were close friends and instead just acquaintances for the time being and then just get passed by? maybe its just me not remembering things and me just being oblivious sometimes but i mean it really seems as though im not very close with people i thought i was in many cases. hmmmmmm............................