So the other day i realized something about myself that sort of got me angry. i realized that i am too nice sometimes and that a lot of people seem to take advantage of me and only use me for their own benifit because they know im not one to refuse giving out a favor. i mean i know im too nice sometimes but thats just the kind of person i am, im just a genuinely nice guy. i dont see anything wrong with being nice to people, but sometimes being nice means that people can just walk all over me and use me. i can think of countless of times when i would go late at night and pick up people who dont have rides and take them home or drive them places that they need to go. and i mean sometiems they dont even say thank you and just expect me to do those favors for them everytime. i mean will i always be a push over? and will i always get taken advantage of? what will it take for me to stop being a push over? will it take someone really hurting me? or can i find a way to stop being so nice all the time? i mean i will always be a nice guy but i dont want to be a push over my whole life. i hope i can learn to say no when people ask me to do them a favor all the time.

So, i was out studying tonight and something happened that really angered me. more so i was angry at the situation than the people doing it, but im still annoyed that it seems like it always happens....well anyways we were studying and sometimes we would get distracted and start talking but some memebers of the group were talking about their own like inside jokes and things and made me and "Jp" seem like we werent even there and out of the loop. i mean ya inside jokes are great and i have nothing against them (i have some...i think....or used to....whatever) but like it was really annoying not knowing what was going on and not being apart of the jokes and sometimes it seemed as though they were laughing at "joey" comments that i would say. and it was like they were speaking their own language and didnt seem to want to make an effort to want to translate for me which is fine but i mean be courteous and talk about things that everyone can get sometimes. and this seems to be happening a lot lately....me being in situations where i have no idea whats going on and try to be apart of something that im not and say "joey" comments that give others reason to mock me. which makes me feel like an outcast..........now that i think about it, i am like the outcast in many cases. its like im a spectator looking in on the convos and jokes of others while they partake in them and me throwing in my comments trying to get noticed in the "stands". i mean arent friends suppose to have inside jokes with each other? and since i seem to not have any with anyone, does that mean im not really friends with people i thought were close friends and instead just acquaintances for the time being and then just get passed by? maybe its just me not remembering things and me just being oblivious sometimes but i mean it really seems as though im not very close with people i thought i was in many cases. hmmmmmm............................

the innocence of children...

ok so im really hungry right now, which got me thinking of saturday. when i went to dinner at this amazing little japanese restaurant called Taihei for my grandmother's birthday. hay grandma the big 74 (which u dont look btw, you look 50). ya i know im a grandma's boy, so what. anyways it was really good, some of the best sashimi and soft shell crab that i have had in a long time. mmmm soo good.

and then thinking about saturday reminded me of this really cute thing my cousin said. she came running up to me when i walked in the house and said, "guess what, guess what, douglas. rosa linda's house burnt down and she is going to come and stay with us until her house gets better" and naturally im like oh thats very nice of you, but who is roas linda? is she your friend? but no answer just another "oh rosa linda is going to sleep downstairs where mommy got me a cup of milk". oh ok ashley thats nice. now who is rosa linda? but yet again i get "oh rosa linda's whole family is going to be staying with us too". well at this point i know im not going to get anything out of her so i just assume rosa linda is one of my aunts friends and give up. but later i learn that "rosa linda" is really "yorba linda" as in the area where the fires are. i just thought it was so cute how she heard how yorba linda was burning down and thought it was a person and said they could come and stay with them until it was over. oh the innocence of children. oh how i wish she can stay that young and innocent forever and never have to learn the horrible truth of life.

another bad haircut....

today i got a really bad haircut and whenever i look at it i am afriad my mirror is gonna break from this ugly piece of shit. it seriously looks like my head is a box. i cant put my finger on who's hair it looks like but all i know it must be someone with a really funny looking haircut. the person who cut my hair is the person ive been going to for a while but before i would just get a buzz and be done and she was good at that (sort of) but now im kinda over buzzes so i just wanted it shorter and i dont think she knows how to do that without making my hair look funny. last time she made me look like a girl it was ridiculous. and i feel bad if i say i dont like it because she thinks it looks good but i can see she sort of gets offended when i like question things she has done and then i feel bad because she is such a nice azn lady but she just cant cut my hair the way i want it cut. so ya you all get to laugh at my box of a haircut on monday. :(

Things I'd like to say to you (series cont)....

20. i dont really know you, but you annoy me soo much sometimes. i mean why did you have to change seats? i dont get that. now i can never look down at my shoes without you like asking me oh what r you looking at, are you looking at me? no hommie im not looking at you, im looking at my shoes. and then when i dont answer, or i do and you just dont have your ears open to hear it you like stick your shoes or whatever into my back. like wtf. your feet are prob really nasty and i dont want that on my shirt. oh and this may be a bit mean and im sorry. but your teeth really scare me sometimes. no offense.

21. you were an unlikely friend. when i first met you i was just trying to be nice, but honestly you got on my nerve a lot. but as the years went by those things didnt bother me anymore and you have become one of my good friends. we really hang out that much outside school, which sucks but i understand that your busy with your first gf. but ya just wanted to tell you that you are a pretty cool guy. keep it up. oh and we need to have another poker night btw.

22. in middle school i was really intimidated by you. and to be honest i had a bit of a crush on you for a while. but now that i have seen you again, im definately not intimidated anymore. i think i was intimidated by your looks, but now (no offense) you have sort of let yourself go and become a little chubs.

23. i havent talked to you since 8th grade but it seems as though you are really stuck up and fake. it seems as though you are trying to act like one of those rich white girls on tv and trust me you cant pull it off. also you are sort of weird looking, i dont know what it is but you are not completely ugly but you are definately not pretty in anyway.....you are blah. oh and another thing no one cares if one strand of hair is not perfect in class or your make-up isnt perfect, so stop looking at your mirror every five seconds.

24. you are an awesome person. and one of the most sincere people that i know. and i feel honored to have gone to school with you and be your friend. i wish we would have hung out more over the years and talked more though, that would have been great. dont ever change man, i mean it.

25. you are crazy smart. and a lot of the time i bet you get lost in the shuffle. having good grades and doing well in school is important, but its not everything. you need to get out more and start being way more social. because you seem like a nice person but you need to break out of your shell and make some friends. i just dont want to see a nice person like yourself going off to college and just shutting themselves in their dorm and just study all the time. so put the books down for a bit and go have a social life. or actually try and find one. oh and another thing gotta do something about that rooster hair you got going on.

Things I'd like to say to you (series con't)

14. ever since i met you, you have always been there for me through thick and thin. when i was in 7th grade and scared out of my mind of this new environment and new people and making new friends, you were my first real friend i made at a new school. since that day i sat and ate lunch with you on those benches by the band room we have been the best of friends. i know we r gonna stay friends for the longest time. and i know you are going to go far in life, with your personality and your smarts there is nothing you cant accomplish. some people may think you are cocky but i know that you're not really like that. people just dont know thats just a act you put on to be funny. because in reality you are a sort of shy person when it comes to certain things, but its ok so am i. thats why we are such good friends.

15. the saying "dont judge a book by its cover" really applys to you. i thought you were the typical asian girl; quiet and studious. but it turns out that you are sort of crazy in a very good way. lol. you can always make me laugh by doing one of your many strange things. im really glad i got to know the real you because that person is so much better than the one i thought you were. oh and another thing, you are going to go far kid. i can feel it.

16. you are a very confusing person to talk to aim. you are very cute and i find myself having mixed feelings about you. again you are very confusing. sometimes i feel as though you may like me, but then other times i feel as though you just want to be friends and only friends. hmmmm.....its a mystery.

17. you are probably one of the nicest and sweetest people i know. but sometimes i feel you are too sweet and innocent. and it can get annoying sometimes. to be honest it is hard to talk to you and hang out with you because it seems as though you are talking in your own language. and another thing that is a little awkward sometimes is you will make what apparently is a joke and start to laugh and i end up faking a laugh because i dont want to seem mean and not laugh at your joke but to be honest i dont really get your humor.

18. ive gone to the same school with you since 4th grade. but i havent really gotten to know you unitl last year. its funny how i started to like you as i was trying to set you up with one of my friends. its weird how crushes start isnt it? well you were my first everything. you were my first kiss, my first girlfriend, and my first heartbreak. to be honest the time spent with you was some of the best times of my life. not many people probably thought this, but i thought it was going to last longer than it did. i wanted it to last longer. and i thought u did too. thats why when it ended the way that it did i was really hurt. you may blame it on me for thinking i liked another girl or whatever other bull shit reason you gave, but you need to man up to it. you liked someone else its that simple. dont blame any other reason for it, because that is the only one. yeah, i was angry and hurt when i heard about it, but now that i look back you werent worth all the shit you pulled (ie. prom). im glad i got to experience this because now i know what not too look for. so in that regards i thank you. i also have to thank you for allowing me to get to know four amazing people. but i do feel bad that im hanging out with them and you arent hanging out w/ them as much anymore and sometimes i feel as though i shouldnt be hanging out with them. and for that im sorry. but as a lot of my friends told me, i deserved better. and you know what they were right.

19. you are probably one of the ugliest person i have ever met. i also dont agree at all with your beliefs. i mean i respect your right to have them, but i mean seriously how can anyone think it is ok to strip people of their rights and try to push their beliefs onto others. it just doesnt make any sense to me.

Things I'd like to say to you (series con't).....

7. you are a very sweet person, but it is very hard to hold a conversation with you. (esp. on aim) i mean your my friend but sometimes i purposly avoid eye contact or avoid you all together so i dont have to have that awkward weird conversation with you. i dont know what it is but you're not the person i thought you would be when i didnt really know you last year. dont get me wrong i like how ive gotten to know you (kinda, somewhat) but its just way weird to hold a conversation with you.

8. i used to have the biggest crush on you in elementary school. and i thought you did too, but when i asked you to be my girlfriend you said no...so i guess i was wrong. but it turns out you did like me? idk. elementary school was very strange times for me. now that i see you around school a part of me wonders what it would be like if we actually went out, but i know thats just the inner and younger me thinking that stuff. because if i think about it your kinda sloppy from what ive been told so ya.....

9. you used to be my best friend. i thought you were the coolest guy in the world and you had the coolest dog ever. but now that i think about it, i was never myself around you. i was always someone i thought i had to be in order to impress you or in order for you to like me and be my friend. also you got into some stuff thats just not my scene so i guess our friendship was bound to end. you were headed for a path i didnt feel like exploring just yet.

10. first off, i would just like to say that im sorry if i mislead you in any way. i didnt mean for you to get hurt or be mad with me. and i know i should have handled the situation a hell of a lot better than i did. actually i should have been man enough to step up and talk to you myself, but im a guy and its our job to make mistakes. esp when it comes to expressing ourselves. but anyways ya i know you were really hurt and pissed at me and the situation and i wish you didnt have to go through that, but to be honest it wouldnt have worked out w/ us. i mean you're cute and sometimes like today look really good. but most days i just view you as my friend and nothing more. so again im sorry if i mislead you, i didnt mean to.

11. you are really annoying sometimes, but in your defense you have gotten better lately since you're more dependent on yourself for a change. i mean you're a really nice guy and wouldnt hurt a fly, but sometimes man i dont know what it is, but you just get under my skin and annoy the hell out of me to the point i wanna blow my head off. i mean you need to just be yourself sometimes and stop trying so hard to act "cool" because seriously you saying "chill" just doesnt flow. also you're a bit socially awkward sometimes too which makes situations uncomfortable for a lot of people.

12. you are fucking beautiful!! enough said.

13. you are probably one person that i love to be around but at the same time hate being around. its hard to explain. i mean when we hang out things will be going good, both laughing having a good time and then BANG! its like a switch flips and all of a sudden its as if your on ur period and bitching at me about every little thing and just acting like a totally different person. also sometimes i get the fact that you are very fake. like some of the stuff that you tell me and others sounds a little too wild to be true. but hey what do i know it could all be true. but castles, really? hmm, idk man. also i dont like the fact how you judge people and dont give them a chance. like a group of people that you call "slops" or "sluts" or whatever you call them, i forget, are anything but that. and if you took the time to actually get to know them you would figure that out too. but no you think you know everything about everyone and dont like it when people tell you otherwise.

Things i would like to say to you (series)....

1. you are honestly my oldest and closest friend, and i love you to death, you are an awesome person. i know over the years our interests have caused us to drift apart sometimes, but i feel more comfortable around you than anyone else. around you i can be my true self and not have to worry about what others will think. i just want to say that i appreciate all the times that you've been there for me and i know that we are always going to be friends. even when we go off to college and get jobs i know we will stay in touch and when we get together it will be like nothing changed. ill miss those study sessions where we dont really study at all. LOL. and those random ass nights where we drive around being SBAMF's. so again thank you for being more than just my friend but like my brother.

2. i used to consider you my best friend. back in eighth grade we were like brothers. i thought we were going to be the best of friends for ever. like one of those friends that ill get together with when im older and play poker with. but then in 10th grade you decided to change. you decided you didnt want to be the cool guy that i was friends with since middle school. instead you decided to be someone you thought u had to be in order for people to think you were "cool" (and news flash for you, you arent all that "cool" now that you have changed). you decided to ditch all your friends and hang out with the "new guy" and that really hurt. it felt as though someone had just stabed me in the back. i mean we are still friends today, sure. but it'll never be like it once was. and after high school i dont see us continuing our friendship to be completely honest.

3. ok you need to SHUT the FUCK UP!! its not cute when you blurt out the answer all the time or try to be all cute like and make jokes. its just fucking annoying. i mean sure you are sort of good looking, but you are prob the most annoying person i have ever had to deal with in a class....wait correction one of the worst. *cough orr cough*. i would love to just put some duck tape over your mouth one day. i think that would be one of the best days.

4. ok you also need to SHUT the FUCK UP!! stop acting like you know everything and stop trying to kiss ass to the teacher because you know what your a fucking senior, get over it. i dont know what it is, i mean i dont know you personally (thank god) but just the way you talk is fucking annoying as hell. like i just want to cut off my ears when you start to talk so i dont have to listen to your shit. oh and fyi using a latin phrase that you used in a convo w/ ur daddy doesnt count as a latin moment, and neither does saying oh i saw someone who looked like juno or w/e. oh ya and park your fucking vespa or "bike" as you refer to it on the fucking grass or bike rack because taking up an entire parking spot for that pos is bull shit. seriously one day im going to pick it up and move it by the dumpsters.

5. ok you also need to shut the fuck up! im sure me and the rest of the world would love it if you would just sit in class and not say a word for the rest of the year because you are seriously the most annoying person i have ever met. and u need to do something about that stuffy nose thing. hearing you take those deep breaths in class gets so fucking annoying. do something about that.

6. i have always been a bit envious of you. everyone (esp. the girls) think that you are the shit (or used to anyway i dont really know anymore). it just seemed like you had it all. the girl, the favorable genetic make-up, and a lot of friends. i used to remember i always wished that i could be like you. and when i had something that i thought beat you, you took that too. but now i realize your not anything special, if anything i think im better.

life is a bitch...

why does life have to be so difficult and stressful sometimes? i wish i could just put life on hold sometimes so i can catch up. it seems life speeds up when ur having the most fun and slows down when the world is kicking your ass. so basically life is a bitch. like right now is crunch time for applying to my colleges and im stressing out about how this whole process goes and if i should even submitt an app or is it not even worth my time because im not gonna get accepted. and on top of that there is all this stress from school and the fact that i just dont give a shit anymore about any of my classes but knowing at the same time that i have to do well. GAHHHH!!! sometimes i wish i had just taken regular classes and coasted through school and not try so hard, life would be so much better. but no i decided to take honors classes and study and put forth an effort. those people who party all the time and dont care about school have it soo easy. and the sad thing is they are prob gonna get into an ok college and end up being just as successful as i will be and i worked my ass off and yet in the end it didnt make a difference. and then when it comes to sports, i hate how people like me have to work so hard just to keep improving but we dont even get close to being as good as other players who dont have to work hard and things just come naturally for them. i mean ya ya they were born with it blah blah blah, but thats fucking bull shit. but you know thats just how life is....life is fucking bull shit. it can go suck my left nut.

thinking about the future.......

you know what trips me out? thinking about the future. and not just mine but thinking about how other people will change in 5, 10, or 15 years. its crazy. i mean what am i going to be like 5 years? am i going to be the same person or be completely different? am i still going to be friends with the friends that i have now? or am i going to have completely new friends? am i going to remember my life now in the future? i want to hope that i'll have some of the same friends because the friends that i have now are awesome! i wouldnt want to replace them with anyone else. and i want to hope that i will remember this time in my life because im having the most fun right now in my senior year of high school. when i think about how other people might be in the future is mind blowing. like i have changed a lot over the years and to think about how others might change over the years too is crazy. there are some that i wouldnt want to change because they are amazing just the way they are and then there are those who need to seriously grow up and start acting their age and others who just need to stop thinking they are the shit and realize that they arent all that great.

yo

HOLLA!!

girl.